Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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