...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
