She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
