Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
