I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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