32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
