I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
