Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
