Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
