Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Randomize
