My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
