I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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