good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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