Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
