Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
