I showed him my bush... on skype.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
