you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
