A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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