Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize