I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Randomize
