Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
