My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Randomize
