yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
