He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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