Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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