I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Randomize
