I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
