i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
