gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
you will always have a special place in my vag
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
