I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
