So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
How does it feel to date your dad?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
