I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Randomize
