we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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