I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Just invented taco cereal.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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