singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
You are a booty call, not a friend.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
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