I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
