I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Randomize