Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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