I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
