hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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