If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
