Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
