I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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