i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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