just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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