I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
