Soap is not a condiment
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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