last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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