I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Randomize
