I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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