I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Randomize
