I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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