did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
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