we made out on top of his cat.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Randomize