in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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