John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Randomize
