My sheets look like a crime scene.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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