You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
He better not be in your backpack
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
