three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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