Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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